Steve Martin's, The Jerk - Iraq War "5 Years To Many" Version

Who does the liberal left attract as its base? Followers. Kids who grew up without books but with "graphic novels". Kids who don't try to discover the truth for themselves but instead rely on people like Barack Obama (he speaks so well! What an orator!) to tell them what they should think.

Rick Cartola is voting Obama. He said he doesn't know why. He's just following his "gut", he says.
Listen, Field of Dreams was a movie and Kevin Costner is allowed to tear down his entire livelyhood at the risk of destroying his family, killing his daughter, and having to live off welfare to build his dream...because IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE and not real life. Obama is that voice in the cornfield, and no, I'm not saying that he's a field working negro slave of Howard Dean. Obama represents imaginary hopes and dreams that will never be realized. He's selling dick-growing cream out of the trunk of his car using his own as proof it works, and no I'm not saying that all black people have giant penises, just look at Rollo. Cartola, you'd be better off hanging a car battery off your dick every night to stretch it out. Obama's cream isn't even good to masturbate to once you realize how filthy and unregulated it is. Obama is telling us that he will tear down Comiskey Park and build up a new park that is bound to get everyone in to the home team. What he's doing is selling us out. He wants to build a big money sucking US Cellular Field. I don't like it.

For you locals, this is like knocking down the Galleria and putting in a bigger shittier mall. It did nothing except waste money that could have been better spent killing Worcester's homeless.

Cartola also states that he thinks that putting your hand over your heart during the Pledge of Allegiance is "gay". His words. Folks, that is your liberal base. Turning the country gay since 1978.

Michelle Obama was actually right when she said "[our] country is full of lazy do-nothing sloths". It's easy to see that when she hangs out at her husbands rallies and all the people are retarded.

This post is to dishonor that moonbat bitch America hater and terror lover Cindy "the cunt" Sheehan and her grammatically challenged cohorts.





I give you my version of one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies:



I know we've only been at war in Iraq five years and one day, but to me it seems like 11 years and 241 days. The first year seemed like three years and the second year seemed like two years and 146 days. The third year seemed like three years again And the fourth year, when we killed al-Zarqawi, that seemed just like 85 days, and then the Democrats starting complaining, so that started seeming like two years. So in February 2007, it seemed like two years and 85 days spilling over into March and that started seeming like 192 days, so at the end of the fourth year on into the fifth year, it seemed like a total of two years and 277 days. And the fifth year, because of the surge, it seemed like only half a year.

I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

The Diary of Frank Ann

Well, you've lost a few pounds since New Year's. You didn't live up to your resolution to gain more weight. What's next? Wearing heavy boots and six layers of sweat pants? What do I know, I'm just a dentist, but a patient of mine left behind his own secrets to success in a little black book of dreams. He came in the other day and asked if he left anything behind, but he broke my nice green dental chair and when I checked his gumline there was bacon stuck in it so I am releasing it all to the public. I will post more of Frank Ann's diary in the future, but for now use these entries to help you in your own trials with weight gain:

Day 1: So Thin, So Depressed

My name is Frank. I only weigh 180 lbs. soaking wet. Why am I so thin?! I hate myself. Why can't I live in Africa or have a heroin habit? Well, I've had it. Fuck this, I'm eating alfredo sauce on my pasta tonight. If I can gain 2 lbs a week for two and half months, I will gain 20 pounds! I can do this world! I will fight the good fight! I feel fatter in my soul already!

Day 3: Gained 5 Pounds!

185!!! Today I ate a fucking ham lambasted in barbeque sauce on a stick. Then after breakfast I weighed in for the first time. I gained 5 pounds in three days! But I think I'm going to hit a wall soon. There's only so much weight a person can gain in a certain finite time. I just need to keep this up. Live the dream. Eat the dream.

Day 17: Kind of Down, Only Gained 15 Pounds Since I Started

Why have I reached this plateau? 195. I'm sticking to the system. I brush my teeth with milkshakes. I'm eating entire loaves of bread and drinking hard. Maybe I should switch from Bacardi and Diet Coke to PBR. Why is this so hard! I'm not stressed enough, damn it. I think I'll take up smoking.

Day 23: Dreams Can Come True

203 pounds of beefcake. I knew if I started chain smoking and eating the old donuts out of the dumpster behind Dunkins' that I'd start to meet my goals. I can be fat world! I can be a fucking lard ass!!! I have surpassed my goal of twenty pounds in record time. Fuck you Mom for saying I couldn't be as obese as you.

Day 24: No Pain, No Weight Gain

My chest hurts. I need to work through the pain. Eat. Just eat. You can do it. That rotisserie hot dog at 7-11 was just the beginning. Baby steps.

Day 32: Evacuation Routes

Why do I have to shit so much? The shit leaving my body feels so wrong. That weight just goes away forever. I feel so useless, so non-obese. I've gained 35 pounds, but I feel so empty inside.
Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. What? Shut up Mom, I'm writing my hopes and dreams! I will too weigh as much as you!!

Day 45: Moving Too Much

I realized today that if I just sit on the couch for eight more hours a day, I can rapidly gain more poundage than ever! I shall sit and be proud. My scale doesn't work anymore.

Political genetics (Real democrats are a dying breed)

Let me start this by declaring my affiliation:





You may be thinking, "Lex, what the hell does a half-shaved pygmy horse with a cock like a gas pump led by a midget cowboy in a flashy red hat and a wife beater have to do with political afilliation?"



Well, everything, gentle reader. You see, horses and donkeys are scientifically the same right up to their genus (Equus). This beneficial classification means that horses and donkeys can fuck, but the offspring are usually sterile. The combination of donkeys and horses produce two things: mules and hinnies. Mules, we know are stubborn and stupid. Hinnies, on the other hand, are known to be smarter than horses and more agreeable than donkeys. Unfortunately, only mules have a chance to breed. I won't get into that, because I'm a fisherman not a geneticist. I'll just say that like most normal non-retarded offspring of any species, horses and donkeys have 64 chromosomes, and like most Republicans south of Philadelphia and between Louisana and Charleston, NC, incorrectly bred offspring will contain 62 or 63 chromasomes. Only 63 chromosome offspring will be able to breed again for one generation...because then their offspring go sterile 62s. I want to actually make it official now that a 6-2 hand in poker is called "pocket mule", "Ozarktarded", or simply "Pocket sterile".



Any way, I'm a Democrat. I was born and raised Democrat in the wonderful state of Massachusetts. In fact, I was born with 64 chromosomes as well. Unfortunately, lots of Democrats of my generation were the products of half-Democrat half-Republican parents.



This means that there is a good chance many of my friends are gay and will never reproduce, hate children altogether and if anything they'll abort all their kids, or we'll have one more generation of true Democrats...then all our future offspring will be hybrids of a broken two party system in which we can't tell the difference in either party except that half of the people will be smart and agreeable (centrists Dems and Repubs) and the other half will be stubborn and stupid (far-right conservative Dems and Repubs). Of course, we'll also have those few outsiders with the 62 chromosomes (Green, Rainbow, Communist, and far-left-going-to-die-off-because-they-hate-all people).



So let's go back to that small horse and it's likeable little trainer. Our current generation of democrats are growing up believing the myth of Global Warming without any hard evidence, attending universities that have a terrible liberal agenda that destroys your child's will to think, and possibly meeting older transgendered bed-mates intent on making sterile hinnies out of them. That little trainer is all those ideas that destroy your kids. He may be cute, well-dressed, and employed, but this isn't always a good thing.



Bottom line: Encourage your kids to think for themselves. Don't make it easy for them to follow the guy with the most bling, the largest vagina, or the most wrinkles until they can tell you what each stands for. Our generation is truly at a crossroads. Trouble is, we all have a Garmin we thinks gives the right directions, but most of the time we know it's going to be the long way around.



Don't be afraid to ask tough questions of people who are supposed to lead you. Asking Mr. Obama directions to the Mexican-Canadian TransAmerican Superhighway shouldn't get you called a racist. Asking Mr. McCain when the last time he had an erection on his own shouldn't get you called a euthanasiast. Asking Mrs. Clinton why you think her vagina probably smells like a mix of feet and bengay shouldn't make you a sexist.

Another thing not to expect is for me to be a nice person if we start talking politics right now, because I'm fucking pissed about Michelle "I have never been proud of my country or my 316,000/yr salary, mansion in Chicago, or my Ivy League education" Obama. I actually had my finger on the Obama button until the colors started running...now I'm truly confused.

This is how confused I am: