You may be thinking, "Lex, what the hell does a half-shaved pygmy horse with a cock like a gas pump led by a midget cowboy in a flashy red hat and a wife beater have to do with political afilliation?"
Well, everything, gentle reader. You see, horses and donkeys are scientifically the same right up to their genus (Equus). This beneficial classification means that horses and donkeys can fuck, but the offspring are usually sterile. The combination of donkeys and horses produce two things: mules and hinnies. Mules, we know are stubborn and stupid. Hinnies, on the other hand, are known to be smarter than horses and more agreeable than donkeys. Unfortunately, only mules have a chance to breed. I won't get into that, because I'm a fisherman not a geneticist. I'll just say that like most normal non-retarded offspring of any species, horses and donkeys have 64 chromosomes, and like most Republicans south of Philadelphia and between Louisana and Charleston, NC, incorrectly bred offspring will contain 62 or 63 chromasomes. Only 63 chromosome offspring will be able to breed again for one generation...because then their offspring go sterile 62s. I want to actually make it official now that a 6-2 hand in poker is called "pocket mule", "Ozarktarded", or simply "Pocket sterile".
Any way, I'm a Democrat. I was born and raised Democrat in the wonderful state of Massachusetts. In fact, I was born with 64 chromosomes as well. Unfortunately, lots of Democrats of my generation were the products of half-Democrat half-Republican parents.
This means that there is a good chance many of my friends are gay and will never reproduce, hate children altogether and if anything they'll abort all their kids, or we'll have one more generation of true Democrats...then all our future offspring will be hybrids of a broken two party system in which we can't tell the difference in either party except that half of the people will be smart and agreeable (centrists Dems and Repubs) and the other half will be stubborn and stupid (far-right conservative Dems and Repubs). Of course, we'll also have those few outsiders with the 62 chromosomes (Green, Rainbow, Communist, and far-left-going-to-die-off-because-they-hate-all people).
So let's go back to that small horse and it's likeable little trainer. Our current generation of democrats are growing up believing the myth of Global Warming without any hard evidence, attending universities that have a terrible liberal agenda that destroys your child's will to think, and possibly meeting older transgendered bed-mates intent on making sterile hinnies out of them. That little trainer is all those ideas that destroy your kids. He may be cute, well-dressed, and employed, but this isn't always a good thing.
Bottom line: Encourage your kids to think for themselves. Don't make it easy for them to follow the guy with the most bling, the largest vagina, or the most wrinkles until they can tell you what each stands for. Our generation is truly at a crossroads. Trouble is, we all have a Garmin we thinks gives the right directions, but most of the time we know it's going to be the long way around.
Don't be afraid to ask tough questions of people who are supposed to lead you. Asking Mr. Obama directions to the Mexican-Canadian TransAmerican Superhighway shouldn't get you called a racist. Asking Mr. McCain when the last time he had an erection on his own shouldn't get you called a euthanasiast. Asking Mrs. Clinton why you think her vagina probably smells like a mix of feet and bengay shouldn't make you a sexist.
Another thing not to expect is for me to be a nice person if we start talking politics right now, because I'm fucking pissed about Michelle "I have never been proud of my country or my 316,000/yr salary, mansion in Chicago, or my Ivy League education" Obama. I actually had my finger on the Obama button until the colors started running...now I'm truly confused.
This is how confused I am:
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