...Chimpanzees make everything better:
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Fag Hags: Why Quitting Smoking is So Hard for Women
Hello, boys and girls. Cartola is back in the building! Due to a long, extended abscence directly proportional to the fact that no one ever reads this shit and, surprisingly, the rise in my malpractice suits, it turns out removing molars because they are just plain dirty is not legitmate dental practice, I have been blogging less than usual (read: not at all). Yet Cartola, is back in business. And he has some cultural musings.
I see a lot of smokers come into my dental practice everyday. Their mouths are horrid and most of them are women that I have affectionately termed "buttermouths." (Go ahead and steal my term blogosphere!) I have found that these women are extremely hot, but have a mouth like a fifteen-year-old unclean sewer pipe that has to be snaked with a metal rod. Hence, a buttermouth defined, although often-times extremely hot and doable by Cartola standards, can be ruled out for various unclean and probing sexy times in the dental chair.
So what accounts for this confluence of smoking among women and why do they find it so hard to quit? I pondered this thought on this beautiful, slightly cloudy day off as I went for my daily smoking jog, my smog; that's right Cartola is nothing if not despicably hypocritical. According to Kristyn Kusek Lewis in her article "How four women quit smoking -- and you can too" in Health, "... women, it turns out, have an even harder time quitting than men: They seem to experience stronger withdrawal symptoms, perhaps because of hormones or the bigger nicotine dose delivered to smaller female bodies." I call bullshit on this because Lewis is a woman and I am always right, being a man with a larger male body.
Smoking, it turns out, is bad for both men and women. Deal with it. If you are going to make excuses for smoking, don't use the whole glass ceiling, gender argument. Hillary Clinton is a cunt by the way who should have left her husband and his cigar smoking to the oval office. Smoking is largely mental, if I wanted to quit I could quit. There would be three or four days of withdrawal symptoms and then I would be so fresh and so clean, clean. I just choose to be dirty and unhealthy like these women with oral fixations and too, too high standards. Boo-hoo I can't find a man. Maybe if you stopped phellating guys named "Top Gun" that hang out at the White Eagle on Green Street, you could land a decent, respectable man.
In conclusion, stop smoking if you want to or maybe just so your dentist doesn't have to scrape off years of yellow tar from your teeth with a sharp, scrapy metal instrument. What the hell is that thing called anyways, a pain stick? Ugh. Unsexy. Fucking buttermouths. Fucking fag hags. Fucking women.
Time for a smoke. Cartola out.
An Open Letter to Obama Haters (Especially Lex)
Second in the presidential race, but first in constipation.Poor, poor Lex. It's ok, let it all out now. Barring a terrorist attack, assassination, or the Large Hadron Collider ending the world between now and January 20, Barack Obama is going to be the next president of the United States.
Artist's rendition. Seal subject to change. There's very little doubt now. He's up big in all the polls, even the ones that usually lean to the right, and he's still gaining. There may be the usual cusp-of-Election-Night tightening, if it's not superceded by state budget difficulties leading to cutbacks of programs that people care about, something that conservatives have a long history of being unsympathetic to, or a weakened stock market. And the McCain campaign is only making things worse for themselves, ratcheting up the negative attacks that seem to turn voters off, which makes the attacks more negative, which turns more voters off, leading to more negative attacks... love those negative feedback loops!
So the nightmare scenario is upon you. You've spent the 10 months since the Iowa caucus cultivating the hate for Obama, and now he (to the ectasy of his slobbering devotees) is going to be front and center in American life for the next four-to-eight years.
Despite my obvious disagreement with your political philosophy, and our many run-ins on policy and philosophical issues, I feel your pain. You see, my fellow liberals and I have lived out the same nightmare. Actually, our nightmare is probably more horrific than anything you can experience in the next three weeks - you won't see an apparent McCain win stripped away by butterfly ballots, senile Florida snowbirds, a corrupt state government run by Obama's brother, and a highly politicized Supreme Court... only to watch four years of incompetence and fear-mongering be rewarded with another four-year contract, one that the majority of the population regretted almost immediately.
Still, we know where you're coming from. You'll undoubtedly have the same reactions to this election that we had:
- You'll threaten to move to another country. This was easy for us - we have an allegedly socialistic paradise right next door that even speaks the same language. Finding a country that loves the free market, hates minorities, and encourages caring only about "getting yours" is going to be a bit tougher. Better start shopping for prime real estate in Estonia now before the big rush. (Michael Phelps recommends Rosetta Stone for all your language-learning needs.)
- You'll blame third party candidates. This will probably be irrational; it's not like adding Bob Barr or Lyndon Larouche's supporters to your totals will really make the difference, even in the close states. (Though this has been know to happen before.) But it's not like anyone's going to come to the defense of those wackos. Fish, barrel, BANG.
Cheney says, We must waterboard LaRouche.- You'll sue. Sue everyone! Challenge the registration system! Find the proverbial needle in the voting haystack (and it will help if he's black, for obvious reasons) and claim that this is representative behavior. They're stealing our election! (It helps if, seven years later after all those wounds heal, you make a ridiculously one-sided movie that rips off those scars all over again. There's two hours of needless anger I'll never get back.)
And that's why I now subscribe to Showtime. - You'll throw off your flag pins and root for bad things to happen. Recessions! Stock market plunges! The collapse of the dollar! Threats to the sanctity of capitalism! (Wait, what? Already? But I thought we arranged that for after the elec.... Damn minorities, you can't even fail correctly!)
- You'll blame yourselves for not doing all the things that would have actually made things worse. We should have gone negative sooner and with more energy! We should have tried to connect to redneck dropouts and trust fund babes! We should have chosen a running mate from a more inconsequential state! (Note: this is already starting.)
(HT: Because I Said So.)- With what little power you retain, you'll take out your anger on swing voter blocs. College-educated single women? No more birth control coverage! Latinos? Deported! (Even if you were born here.) Coastal men? Rising sea levels!
- Finally, when you get to acceptance, you'll start up depressing websites where you apologize to all the people around the world that were counting on you to make the right decision. Sorry Georgia! And... uh... Cuba?.... hmmm.... really, Israel said no?.... McCain was born in Panama.... no, I think that's pretty much it.
Hmm. Well, Mondale's blowout loss must have made things better!
Oh. Yikes.
Regardless, it's won't be long until America tires of the Democrats. It's like clockwork - every six years or so, the whole structure is overturned for no good reason, and it doesn't really matter because both sides believe in pretty much the same things. So wait patiently, keep up the bitching and the independent counsel investigations, and you'll get your power back.
Besides, he's black. It's not like America can deal with that forever.
Resurrection
You shouldn't get to see this stuff more than once or twice a lifetime. But between Trot's ALDS homer, Lowe's HUGE strikeout of Terrence Long, Papi's walkoff series clincher against the Angels, Roberts' steal, Papi's two consecutive walkoffs, Johnny's grannie, Manny's walkoff against the Angels, Beckett's titanium balls against the Tribe, Pedroia's nail in the coffin, Ellsbury's catch against the wall in the 9th inning of Game 4 of the Series, Drew's homer against the Angels, Bay's slide while getting spiked to clinch....
And now...
Pedroia's single,
Papi's homer,
Drew's homer,
Coco's legend-making at-bat, followed by that single,
and then Drew putting one over Gross' head....
Let it never be said, ever again, that God doesn't love Boston. We are the luckiest sonsofbitches that have ever rooted for sports teams, and let us never forget it, no matter what happens Saturday and/or Sunday.
Take a gander at this chart, and how it bottoms out, right around the time I was naming B.J. Upton the ALCS MVP. And then, redemption, revelation, resurrection. Greatest comeback ever.
The defense rests... on your face. Greatest comeback ever.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Life in Ann Arbor (first in a continuing series)
Alternate title: Things White People Like #1242: Crying Over Roadkill
This is the archetypal Ann Arbor story, because it contains three key elements:
1) Idiotic, oblivious Michigan drivers
2) Our giant fucking squirrels
3) Over-the-top lefties
All that was missing was if this had happened on a Football Saturday (instead of just now, a random Tuesday), and the squirrel had been wearing a maize-and-blue Steve & Barry's $5 t-shirt under a North Face jacket. But I still feel like this is better than anything my uncreative brain could have come up with.
I'm walking home from my office, chatting on the phone with Mrs. Tomasi, when all of a sudden this squirrel darts across the road, toward the side I'm walking along. It doesn't quite make it - the front right tire of a dark-colored sedan crushes its body, and I can tell right away this squirrel is done-for. In my four-plus years here I've grown accustomed to seeing brazen squirrels the size of ocelots doing whatever they please, including playing in traffic, but this is the first time I've actually seen one get hit. To say I was traumatized would be too strong a descriptor (I'm no PETA member), but it definitely shocked me and made me feel bad for a local squirrel for the first time in a while.
Unsure of what to do, I stopped walking, and just watched the squirrel writhe and wriggle its way to the curb, leaving a small pool of blood in the middle of the road where the accident had occurred. It's a tall curb, with the sidewalk raised a few feet off the road (coincidentally, this all happened in front of a cemetery), so once it got to the side there was nowhere for the squirrel to go. I wasn't about to approach the squirrel and either try to help it (rabies!) or put it out of its misery (squeamish!), so I just stood there watching.
Meanwhile, the offending car (the crime: accidental squirrelslaughter) had slowed down and thought about stopping, but must have realized it's a squirrel and there was no sense getting out. The next car in line, right up against the assassin's bumper (of course - this is Michigan, the state which makes Masshole drivers look like a flock of Safety Steves), also drove off, probably oblivious to the rapidly-escaping life just to the passenger side. But the third car came to a dead stop, despite the presence of another car immediately behind it. After about 30 seconds, a middle-aged woman, wearing large round tinted glasses and an extra-short haircut, emerged from this third car, an old Plymouth, and immediately began wailing. She bent over where the squirrel was still writhing and started bawling, then stood up and yelled hysterically in the direction of the dark sedan, which had long-since disappeared around the bend.
Oh, did I mention that the Plymouth was covered in bumper stickers, including a two-foot diameter Obama decal on the passenger side door? (I'm sure you just assumed, based on her behavior.) Now, I've made clear that I'm a good progressive/liberal, and the other writers of this blog have surprisingly shifted to the left recently (thanks, John McCain!). I'm happy to see fellow Obama voters, especially in a state that until recently was considered a dangerous swing state, but now seems to be a blue lock. I'm also heartened to see liberals concerned with living creatures, following our party's caring philosophy rather than avoiding (like I was) the gruesome scene.
But still... this was a squirrel. A rough estimate is that there are thirteen squirrels per person in Washtenaw County (source: Council on Statistical Exaggeration), with a life expectancy of maybe another couple of years. It also wasn't the case that the dark sedan was aiming for the squirrel, nor did it have any chance of avoiding the soon-to-be deceased without swerving into the raised sidewalk or oncoming traffic on the one-lane-per-side road. While I joined the crazy liberal woman in feeling sad about another senseless tragic squirrelcide, her reaction was above and beyond the appropriate level of pathos.
I hightailed it out of there (is that a pun?), not wanting to be yelled at for gawking idly while one of God's (or perhaps the Triple Goddess') creatures suffered. As I walked away, I could hear the woman, still cursing the sky, or perhaps the impatient driver behind her. I sent "get a grip" vibes her way, my sympathy for the squirrel worn away by the PETA-types who value the life of a small animal over the safety of humans.
Just another day in Ann Arbor.
(No animals were harmed in the making of this blog post. At least, none that weren't already hurt.)
This is the archetypal Ann Arbor story, because it contains three key elements:
1) Idiotic, oblivious Michigan drivers
2) Our giant fucking squirrels
3) Over-the-top lefties
All that was missing was if this had happened on a Football Saturday (instead of just now, a random Tuesday), and the squirrel had been wearing a maize-and-blue Steve & Barry's $5 t-shirt under a North Face jacket. But I still feel like this is better than anything my uncreative brain could have come up with.
I'm walking home from my office, chatting on the phone with Mrs. Tomasi, when all of a sudden this squirrel darts across the road, toward the side I'm walking along. It doesn't quite make it - the front right tire of a dark-colored sedan crushes its body, and I can tell right away this squirrel is done-for. In my four-plus years here I've grown accustomed to seeing brazen squirrels the size of ocelots doing whatever they please, including playing in traffic, but this is the first time I've actually seen one get hit. To say I was traumatized would be too strong a descriptor (I'm no PETA member), but it definitely shocked me and made me feel bad for a local squirrel for the first time in a while.
Unsure of what to do, I stopped walking, and just watched the squirrel writhe and wriggle its way to the curb, leaving a small pool of blood in the middle of the road where the accident had occurred. It's a tall curb, with the sidewalk raised a few feet off the road (coincidentally, this all happened in front of a cemetery), so once it got to the side there was nowhere for the squirrel to go. I wasn't about to approach the squirrel and either try to help it (rabies!) or put it out of its misery (squeamish!), so I just stood there watching.
Meanwhile, the offending car (the crime: accidental squirrelslaughter) had slowed down and thought about stopping, but must have realized it's a squirrel and there was no sense getting out. The next car in line, right up against the assassin's bumper (of course - this is Michigan, the state which makes Masshole drivers look like a flock of Safety Steves), also drove off, probably oblivious to the rapidly-escaping life just to the passenger side. But the third car came to a dead stop, despite the presence of another car immediately behind it. After about 30 seconds, a middle-aged woman, wearing large round tinted glasses and an extra-short haircut, emerged from this third car, an old Plymouth, and immediately began wailing. She bent over where the squirrel was still writhing and started bawling, then stood up and yelled hysterically in the direction of the dark sedan, which had long-since disappeared around the bend.
Oh, did I mention that the Plymouth was covered in bumper stickers, including a two-foot diameter Obama decal on the passenger side door? (I'm sure you just assumed, based on her behavior.) Now, I've made clear that I'm a good progressive/liberal, and the other writers of this blog have surprisingly shifted to the left recently (thanks, John McCain!). I'm happy to see fellow Obama voters, especially in a state that until recently was considered a dangerous swing state, but now seems to be a blue lock. I'm also heartened to see liberals concerned with living creatures, following our party's caring philosophy rather than avoiding (like I was) the gruesome scene.
But still... this was a squirrel. A rough estimate is that there are thirteen squirrels per person in Washtenaw County (source: Council on Statistical Exaggeration), with a life expectancy of maybe another couple of years. It also wasn't the case that the dark sedan was aiming for the squirrel, nor did it have any chance of avoiding the soon-to-be deceased without swerving into the raised sidewalk or oncoming traffic on the one-lane-per-side road. While I joined the crazy liberal woman in feeling sad about another senseless tragic squirrelcide, her reaction was above and beyond the appropriate level of pathos.
I hightailed it out of there (is that a pun?), not wanting to be yelled at for gawking idly while one of God's (or perhaps the Triple Goddess') creatures suffered. As I walked away, I could hear the woman, still cursing the sky, or perhaps the impatient driver behind her. I sent "get a grip" vibes her way, my sympathy for the squirrel worn away by the PETA-types who value the life of a small animal over the safety of humans.
Just another day in Ann Arbor.
(No animals were harmed in the making of this blog post. At least, none that weren't already hurt.)
Friday, October 3, 2008
Live Blogging Game 2: Red Sox vs. Gayngels
Top of the first and 2/3 of the bottom of the first:
Shit, I missed the most important first inning in two games. Fucking internet. Fucking cybersex. Seriously, who asks to cyber-cuddle after I cyber-asspound you? Ugh. I cyber-snuck out when she "fell asleep" (cyber-strangled).
Red Sox 4
Angels 1
Top of the Second: Aybar, you traitor. You field like Alex Rodriguez and hit like Mark Bellhorn. Thanks for the error. You just validated Alex Cora. Imagine that? The balding utility man, Cora. You may as well just hang yourself. 1 man on.
Ellsbury -- the force-out master. He's probably the most consistent force-out hitter in the league. If I had a stat slave, I'd have her confirm that. (My stat girl would absolutely be a chick...with jugs...of stats.) Way to go Ellsbury, now steal second and point in to the dugout at Cora and call him a bald utility guy. Man on first, one out.
Pedro--you scrappy little bastard. That ball could have been out of here...if the Angels weren't playing their positions and you hit it a little farther. Man on first, two outs. (Steal second, Jacoby)
Ortiz -- Here's the pitch...big swing from Big Papi! Ground ball, three outs. Cora chumped Aybar.
Bottom of the Second: Daisuke!...I yelled loudly out the window at a woman with a stroller... I called his lackadaisickal first inning. I knew he was going to give up a run. There's something about a four run lead that makes a starting pitcher feel dominant before they even step on the mound.
This time around, the Diceman looked better. Two good strike outs--the kind that makes the batter look like a chump for even swinging--and a fly ball to JD Drew. JD, bad back (from carrying around such a huge bag of money) and all, is looking good.
Top of the third: Out hitting the Angels 5 to 3...and more men just came out and admitted they are "Gay for Bay"...including Rollo's ex-boyfriend, who also blogs. How ironic eh? A gay man coming out AGAIN for Jason Bay....By the way, he's also "Live blogging" the game, you should read his play by play for actual real baseball. I'm a one trick expletive-laden pony.
Youk: Sorry I missed you in the first. Show me something. Fly out. Dammit. 1 out
JD: Thought flow of JD Drew this at bat: "Is it a contract year? No, not yet? Fuck it, I like this team. Hmm, hey, this bat is cupped. That's odd. Are they all like that? I wonder what Sean's bat looks like. Fuck! I'm out! Stop thinking about Sean Casey's dick, JD!" Strike out 2-down
Kotsay: 3and1 ground out to Chone...that should be the past tense form of "chine", which is what a clean choad does. 3outs
Bottom of the third: The Angels have to be jinxing the shit out of themselves in the dugout. How do you just not think about losing TEN TIMES IN A ROW IN THE PLAYOFFS TO THE RED SOX and YOU ARE LOSING AGAIN...someone put a uniform on the Rally Monkey and get him out there.
Chone, massaging his taint.
My boy, Chine: Stole 34bases and three cars this year. Fly out. 1 down.
Garret Anderson: I like this guy. Good player. Normal name. Ground out. That's my boy. 2 gone.
Teixeira: One of many strange Mexican-ish names. Base hit. Slapped faggily to center field. Man on first, 1 out.
Guerrero: If anarchy played baseball, it would bat like Vlad. Base hit to center field. You see? The Angels are repeating the first inning for me since I missed it. Nice guys. Now stop it. Honestly...how did Vlad just hit that pitch?
*Ugh, who gave the thunder sticks back to the fans? Californians are so fucking annoying...and it shows in their stupid toys. I heard a rumor that they use those things because their hands are so soft from never working a fucking day in their lives.
Toriiiiiiiii Hunter: Ohhh, a shitty groundball and a close play. He's out! Oh my god! In a typical Hunter freak out, he started to argue the call before he stopped running....knee twisted! The Blame whitey racist has some Godly smiting. I hope you tore your ACL and can't play for two years...in fact, I hope the only way they can fix you is if they cut out your tongue and use it for a replacement muscle. Shit, you're ok. Fuck you. 3outs.
Red Sox 4
Angels 1
Top of the Fourth: Toriiiiiiiiiiiii is gimping around in the outfield. Awww.
Kotsay: Fly out. Blah. C'mon Mark, make me write something snarky. 1out
Tek: Ground Out. That was quick. 2down
Cora: A double to center right! Should have been a single, but the Cartola look-alike takes second! Man on second, 2down
Ellsbury: Holy shit....a double over the head of Rivera! Nice play, dude! Cora scores.
Sox 5
Angels 1
Pedro: 0 for 3 now. Ground out to Choad. 3 out.
Well, the Sox added another on. Let's see if Daisuke stays in the groove.
Bottom of the 4th: Here we go!
Rivera: Let's see if he sucks at batting as much as he sucks in the field, eh? An infamous Daisuke walk. Free pass. Man on first.
Howie Kendrick: Strikeout. This is good. I like Matsuzaka strike outs. 1on 1out
Mathis: Chops a shot to left field. Bay coming on...and he realizes he can't catch with his shoulder! Man on 1st, man on 2nd. 1out
Ayiaaaiaiabar!: A double play is in his reach. Can he pull it off? Let's wait and see! Damn. Ground out to Kotsay at first. Runners advance. Men on 2nd and 3rd with 2 outs.
Friggins: Strike out like a man, man.
*Interlude* I love it when announcers tell us that so-and-so "takes it". That always makes me chuckle.
Back to Chone: Hanging in there. Three balls and two strikes. The ultimate duel. A base hit to left field. Chone responds to the Red Sox one run top. Men on 1st and 3rd with two outs.
Red Sox 5
Angels 2
Daisuke, nothing is on your hat. You just got Punk'd by Garret Anderson. Hah!
Anderson: Two quick strikes. Don't tease our Asians, please. They get all sorts of crazy. A long drawn out at bat. Lots of time outs. High fly to Bay in foul territory...slid too late. Still batting. Chone doesn't seem to be too interested in second base. Garret gets back in the box. He looks a little aprehensive. He's unsure of the next pitch...Struck him out! 3 down
Red Sox 5
Angels 2
Top of five: I'm going to make myself another vodka drink. I'm running out of catchy baseball terms and I feel sober.
Ok, here's a recap of that sucky 5th inning. The Sox did nothing. Papi struck out after a long at bad with some bat drama and then Youk and Drew flew out. The bottom of the fifth started out pretty shaky. Daisuke looks determined to walk 8 people in this inning if he can. It's weird to see Vlad not swing...he swings at everything. That is a barometer for Dice's game.
Back again. I'm starting to feel loose. Profanity is only four keys away. I like it. Daisuke looks like shit. He's allowed men to advance to 2nd and 1st and a run has already scored. He's thrown 100 pitches. It's the 5th inning, dude! Learn how to throw a fucking strike!
Matsuzaka is lucky that Rivera sucks ass and swung at that breaking ball. 1out.
Sox 5
Fags 3
Kendrick: He flies to center and Vlad moves up to third. Guerro is a tough looking motherfucker. I would love to see him on the East Coast in Boston. 2out Men on 1st and 3rd.
Daisuke to 105.
Ahhh, an "offensive substitution"...the Angels make a pretty odd choice of swapping out their catcher. Why the hell do you do that? Morales isn't THAT good. Hmm.
Morales: Looking like a strike out and a catching replacement. High pop. Fly out. One run only. Holy crap on a cracker.
Sox 5
Fags 3
Top of the Sixth!!! (I'm exclaiming everything I type like a Barack Obama supporter! Ahhh! Ahh! Mavericks!):
The Sox look very solid, but Daisuke just barely avoided an absolute implosion. What's crazy is that as shitty as he has looked at some points of the season, he holds the Sox record for Away wins without a loss in a season, going 9-0. At home he was 9-3. Maybe that 50million dollar "phone call" is affecting how we think this guy should pitch. Hell, in my mind, 50million should only be given to a man that can throw a pitch using only his mind and/or dominate an Umpire's mind with ESP to make him call contentious strikes.
Bay: A quick fly out. Somewhere a straight man just defended his manhood for declaring his love for Bay. 1out
Kotsay: Ohhh you just made Hunter look like a dick! Misplay...probably still thinking about his out at first and gimpy knee. Get this: This is Hunter's first error of the season! Sweet! 1 on.
Tek: 0 for 2. I think Tek's good for 1 for 3. Bam! I rule! Sally drive to left. Varitek skips to first with a gay smile on his rosy face. Men on 1st and 2nd. 1out
Pitching change...nice game, Ervin. 5 1/3 innings, 8 hits, 5 runs, 5ERs, 3SOs, 1HR, 8.44ERA. Hey, with an ERA like that, you could easily replace Mike Timlin!
Alex Cora: Cora's trying to prove to Terry that he is a better choice than Jed and Julio. Who knows...he's definitely less sketchy than Julio...who's down in the Caribbean having drug dealers that stole money from him killed. Cora works a walk off the Angels newest: Arredondo. Bases Loaded with 1Out.
Ellsbury: Don't hit in to a double play. Arredondo is looking a little wild. Struck out Ellsbury. That's fine. He didn't double play. Bases loaded 2outs
Pedro: 0-6 in the series. Possible MVP choice. This is a fucked up year. We're going to elect either a Socialist black man or a moose hunting white woman in to the highest offices of the US...and a midget might get the MLB MVP. Pedro grounds out with the bases loaded. You know, this may come back to haunt the Sox. The Angels are fighting and the Sox are just trying to coast in to a win.
MVP says "Whiskey is a Vegetable. Always Eat Your Vegetables!"
Sox 5
Monkeys 3
Bottom 6:
Daisuke is out and his Japanese comrade is up. Okajima comes in. You know, I polled a bunch of asian hookers and the majority find Okajima to be more attractive than Matsuzaka. Isn't that weird? They all look the same to me!
Aybar: Grounds out to Cora, who looks really good actually. It's nice to see utility players step up when they have to and to be so consistent with it. 1out
Figgins: Faking bunts. You know what "bunt" rhymes with, Chone? That's right, punt....you cunt. He flies out to Jacoby. 2outs
Anderson: He's 0for3, but he's usually good for a hit. Here's hoping for 0for4. Ohhh what a catch by JD Drew! Holy shit! That ball was so gone! 3outs!
Sox 5
Angels 3
Top of the 7th:
Sox are putting their bats on the ball, but nothing is landing. The Sox need a couple more runs to solidify a win.
JD: Up to bat with 2outs. He's playing a great game. Beats out an infield hit. He's 2 for 4 tonight. Not too shabby, Drew! 1on 2outs.
Bay: Hooray! Here he is! Our knight in shining armor. Here to replace the dreadlocked latin lover! A clean Timothy McVeigh look-a-like! A single to right field! 2on 2out
Kotsay: Shitty pop out to right field. Stranded two more. We're playing like the Angels now.
Sox 5
Angels 3
Bottom of the Seventh: Starting to feel a little drunk. Sweet. Oki is back in. What a sexy little Japanese man.
Texieoraeja: He's 2 for 2. If I close my eyes, he's wearing a yellow shirt with doilies on the shoulder pads and he has a sombrero and a pencil thin moustache....oh and another fucking single to centerfield. This guy is consistent. Man on. Sin out-oes.
Vlad: Another 2fer. It's amazing this dude doesn't have more strike outs with his funky swing. Hard hit liner to left field. Two on. No outs. Sox make a change.
Goodbye Japan, hello Sur del Americano! Back after the switch!
Justin Masterson is in. A solid righty. He looked pretty good in his first year.
He gives up a pop out to Hunter to left and Texerfeaef moves up to 3rd. Man on 3rd and 1st. 1out
Rivera: No hits tonight and playing shitty. Fucking walked him. Are you serious? Bases Loaded 1out.
Goddamn it, Sox. Don't give this game to Angels.
Kendrick: Strikes out. Phew.
Napoli: Walks! A run is forced in. You FUCKING TOOLS! 2out Bases Loaded Sox 5 Angels 4
Masterson is flustered. I feel like a tard for saying he looked good.
Aybar: Struck out. Angels have left 11 on and trail by one. I feel our lead is a little shaky.
I have a charter group going out fishing tomorrow on my boat. I may murder them at sea if the Sox lose.
Sox 5
Angels 4
Top o' tha 8: Sox need to answer the last couple runs here. A few base hits would be nice.
Tek fags a ball to first and Cora decides that now is the time to strike out. It would be nice to see Ellsbury get on base.
Ellsbury walks. 2outs
Pitching change for the Angels. Good night, Scot (reducing his carbon footprint by removing one 't' from his first name) Shields.
Here comes K-Rod. "This guy threw at his own son a father-son game."
Pedro is the first to face him. Oh look, Ellsbury stole 2nd! Heh....and then Pedro grounds out. He's 0 for 5 on the night . No hits in the series. What a little douchebag.
Bottom of the 8th:
Chone: A fucking triple. Masterson should have been pulled. Man on 3rd.
Oh great, here comes fucking Riverdancer. The totally unpredictable one-pitch super hero.
Anderson is salivating. He knows it's a fast ball. Pops out. He got greedy. 1down Man on 3rd.
Next up Texwoertgifewosdc: He's on fire. A flamer, if you will. First pitch almost took his manhood and he spun away lithely like Michael Jackson. High fly ball to center. Chone tags and ties the game. 2outs
Sox 5
Angels 5
Guerro is back up now. 1 for 9 against Papelbon. Daisuke doesn't get a win. Pap throws another pop out. Pedro has it, but the Angels are officially off of my Christmas list. They are now on my shit list. In fact, I just shit in to a paper bag and I am working out a way to ship it to Angel Stadium and make it catch on fire upon delivery.
Tie-fucking-game.
Top of the 9: What a whirlwind of mindless typing this has been. I can really see the "enjoyment" people get out of doing it. By "enjoyment" I mean, a tedious blog entry that I will never do again unless I am forced to. Writing about a live baseball game is about as much fun as writing about Jesus.
Papi: Doubles. Too bad it couldn't get out. He's getting Coco to pinch for him. Nice hit David. Man on 2nd.
Youk: Grounds out. Fuck. 1out
No contest on the pickoff attempt at 2nd. Safe all the way.
Drew: At bat is looking bad. He's swinging like a sissy. Wait! What is this!?!! A big ass fly ball to right. It's just frigging going! Gone! AHAHAHAHAH! 2-run bomb by the anti-effusive JD Drew!
Sox 7
Bad Guy 5
Bay: This just in, radio guy announces that "Bay takes it". Bwahahahaha. And he "beats out" an infield hit! Man on 1st 1out
Kotsay: Line drive base hit to right! K-rod has given up...wait...counting....4 hits! That has to be a record...and isn't he a free agent this year? Future Yankee closer as Mariano retires? 1st and 2nd 1out
Nevermind, Tek continues to show off his .220 average and grounds in to a double play. How many more years until this shell of a hitter retires? FYI: Lex has never bought in to the whole Tek is God shit...it's as embarassing as brainwashing children to sign songs about Dear Leader Obama.
I think we all figured the dude out when it turned out he's been fucking a Sox reporter. In his defense, I'd fuck the shit out of her too. I think Rollo might go straight for a night with her too. Though he'd probably be more interested in taking her out for a coffee and a mani-pedi...typical elitist leftie prick.
Bottom of the ninth: Let's get through this using our brains. Don't throw for strikes, throw for ground balls.
Or bunts! Shit, Youk played that awesome. Hunter is fast. Good attempt, but a better fielding display. 1down
Gary Matthews Jr. - I like Jrs. such as Carls' Jrs. Jalepeno Burgers are awesome and colon distressing. Ass fire. My butthole just shivered thinking about it. Speaking of which. Matthews pops up...to Youk....he's moving out of bounds.....reaching....ahahahah! What the fuck kind of catch was that off the photographer? Hahaha. That play describes this whole series. Upsidedown backhand catch off a photographer...while Tek is getting blown by Heidi.
Tek...you dog.
Kendrick: He battles...and strikes out. Game over.
Crazy motherfucker gets the win!
Sox 7
Angels 5
The Sox are one game away from sweeping this 5-game series. Wow. I want to thank this blog for totally ruining that game for me. I've never paid attention to stats so much as I did tonight.
See?
Sox 7runs on 14hits
Angels 5runs on 11hits with 2errors
I wrote every hit down on paper.
You all suck. I'm going to prank call Cartola's dad and tell him I want to have sex with him.
Lex out.
Shit, I missed the most important first inning in two games. Fucking internet. Fucking cybersex. Seriously, who asks to cyber-cuddle after I cyber-asspound you? Ugh. I cyber-snuck out when she "fell asleep" (cyber-strangled).
Red Sox 4
Angels 1
Top of the Second: Aybar, you traitor. You field like Alex Rodriguez and hit like Mark Bellhorn. Thanks for the error. You just validated Alex Cora. Imagine that? The balding utility man, Cora. You may as well just hang yourself. 1 man on.
Ellsbury -- the force-out master. He's probably the most consistent force-out hitter in the league. If I had a stat slave, I'd have her confirm that. (My stat girl would absolutely be a chick...with jugs...of stats.) Way to go Ellsbury, now steal second and point in to the dugout at Cora and call him a bald utility guy. Man on first, one out.
Pedro--you scrappy little bastard. That ball could have been out of here...if the Angels weren't playing their positions and you hit it a little farther. Man on first, two outs. (Steal second, Jacoby)
Ortiz -- Here's the pitch...big swing from Big Papi! Ground ball, three outs. Cora chumped Aybar.
Bottom of the Second: Daisuke!...I yelled loudly out the window at a woman with a stroller... I called his lackadaisickal first inning. I knew he was going to give up a run. There's something about a four run lead that makes a starting pitcher feel dominant before they even step on the mound.
This time around, the Diceman looked better. Two good strike outs--the kind that makes the batter look like a chump for even swinging--and a fly ball to JD Drew. JD, bad back (from carrying around such a huge bag of money) and all, is looking good.
Top of the third: Out hitting the Angels 5 to 3...and more men just came out and admitted they are "Gay for Bay"...including Rollo's ex-boyfriend, who also blogs. How ironic eh? A gay man coming out AGAIN for Jason Bay....By the way, he's also "Live blogging" the game, you should read his play by play for actual real baseball. I'm a one trick expletive-laden pony.
Youk: Sorry I missed you in the first. Show me something. Fly out. Dammit. 1 out
JD: Thought flow of JD Drew this at bat: "Is it a contract year? No, not yet? Fuck it, I like this team. Hmm, hey, this bat is cupped. That's odd. Are they all like that? I wonder what Sean's bat looks like. Fuck! I'm out! Stop thinking about Sean Casey's dick, JD!" Strike out 2-down
Kotsay: 3and1 ground out to Chone...that should be the past tense form of "chine", which is what a clean choad does. 3outs
Bottom of the third: The Angels have to be jinxing the shit out of themselves in the dugout. How do you just not think about losing TEN TIMES IN A ROW IN THE PLAYOFFS TO THE RED SOX and YOU ARE LOSING AGAIN...someone put a uniform on the Rally Monkey and get him out there.
Chone, massaging his taint.
My boy, Chine: Stole 34bases and three cars this year. Fly out. 1 down.
Garret Anderson: I like this guy. Good player. Normal name. Ground out. That's my boy. 2 gone.
Teixeira: One of many strange Mexican-ish names. Base hit. Slapped faggily to center field. Man on first, 1 out.
Guerrero: If anarchy played baseball, it would bat like Vlad. Base hit to center field. You see? The Angels are repeating the first inning for me since I missed it. Nice guys. Now stop it. Honestly...how did Vlad just hit that pitch?
*Ugh, who gave the thunder sticks back to the fans? Californians are so fucking annoying...and it shows in their stupid toys. I heard a rumor that they use those things because their hands are so soft from never working a fucking day in their lives.
Toriiiiiiiii Hunter: Ohhh, a shitty groundball and a close play. He's out! Oh my god! In a typical Hunter freak out, he started to argue the call before he stopped running....knee twisted! The Blame whitey racist has some Godly smiting. I hope you tore your ACL and can't play for two years...in fact, I hope the only way they can fix you is if they cut out your tongue and use it for a replacement muscle. Shit, you're ok. Fuck you. 3outs.
Red Sox 4
Angels 1
Top of the Fourth: Toriiiiiiiiiiiii is gimping around in the outfield. Awww.
Kotsay: Fly out. Blah. C'mon Mark, make me write something snarky. 1out
Tek: Ground Out. That was quick. 2down
Cora: A double to center right! Should have been a single, but the Cartola look-alike takes second! Man on second, 2down
Ellsbury: Holy shit....a double over the head of Rivera! Nice play, dude! Cora scores.
Sox 5
Angels 1
Pedro: 0 for 3 now. Ground out to Choad. 3 out.
Well, the Sox added another on. Let's see if Daisuke stays in the groove.
Bottom of the 4th: Here we go!
Rivera: Let's see if he sucks at batting as much as he sucks in the field, eh? An infamous Daisuke walk. Free pass. Man on first.
Howie Kendrick: Strikeout. This is good. I like Matsuzaka strike outs. 1on 1out
Mathis: Chops a shot to left field. Bay coming on...and he realizes he can't catch with his shoulder! Man on 1st, man on 2nd. 1out
Ayiaaaiaiabar!: A double play is in his reach. Can he pull it off? Let's wait and see! Damn. Ground out to Kotsay at first. Runners advance. Men on 2nd and 3rd with 2 outs.
Friggins: Strike out like a man, man.
*Interlude* I love it when announcers tell us that so-and-so "takes it". That always makes me chuckle.
Back to Chone: Hanging in there. Three balls and two strikes. The ultimate duel. A base hit to left field. Chone responds to the Red Sox one run top. Men on 1st and 3rd with two outs.
Red Sox 5
Angels 2
Daisuke, nothing is on your hat. You just got Punk'd by Garret Anderson. Hah!
Anderson: Two quick strikes. Don't tease our Asians, please. They get all sorts of crazy. A long drawn out at bat. Lots of time outs. High fly to Bay in foul territory...slid too late. Still batting. Chone doesn't seem to be too interested in second base. Garret gets back in the box. He looks a little aprehensive. He's unsure of the next pitch...Struck him out! 3 down
Red Sox 5
Angels 2
Top of five: I'm going to make myself another vodka drink. I'm running out of catchy baseball terms and I feel sober.
Ok, here's a recap of that sucky 5th inning. The Sox did nothing. Papi struck out after a long at bad with some bat drama and then Youk and Drew flew out. The bottom of the fifth started out pretty shaky. Daisuke looks determined to walk 8 people in this inning if he can. It's weird to see Vlad not swing...he swings at everything. That is a barometer for Dice's game.
Back again. I'm starting to feel loose. Profanity is only four keys away. I like it. Daisuke looks like shit. He's allowed men to advance to 2nd and 1st and a run has already scored. He's thrown 100 pitches. It's the 5th inning, dude! Learn how to throw a fucking strike!
Matsuzaka is lucky that Rivera sucks ass and swung at that breaking ball. 1out.
Sox 5
Fags 3
Kendrick: He flies to center and Vlad moves up to third. Guerro is a tough looking motherfucker. I would love to see him on the East Coast in Boston. 2out Men on 1st and 3rd.
Daisuke to 105.
Ahhh, an "offensive substitution"...the Angels make a pretty odd choice of swapping out their catcher. Why the hell do you do that? Morales isn't THAT good. Hmm.
Morales: Looking like a strike out and a catching replacement. High pop. Fly out. One run only. Holy crap on a cracker.
Sox 5
Fags 3
Top of the Sixth!!! (I'm exclaiming everything I type like a Barack Obama supporter! Ahhh! Ahh! Mavericks!):
The Sox look very solid, but Daisuke just barely avoided an absolute implosion. What's crazy is that as shitty as he has looked at some points of the season, he holds the Sox record for Away wins without a loss in a season, going 9-0. At home he was 9-3. Maybe that 50million dollar "phone call" is affecting how we think this guy should pitch. Hell, in my mind, 50million should only be given to a man that can throw a pitch using only his mind and/or dominate an Umpire's mind with ESP to make him call contentious strikes.
Bay: A quick fly out. Somewhere a straight man just defended his manhood for declaring his love for Bay. 1out
Kotsay: Ohhh you just made Hunter look like a dick! Misplay...probably still thinking about his out at first and gimpy knee. Get this: This is Hunter's first error of the season! Sweet! 1 on.
Tek: 0 for 2. I think Tek's good for 1 for 3. Bam! I rule! Sally drive to left. Varitek skips to first with a gay smile on his rosy face. Men on 1st and 2nd. 1out
Pitching change...nice game, Ervin. 5 1/3 innings, 8 hits, 5 runs, 5ERs, 3SOs, 1HR, 8.44ERA. Hey, with an ERA like that, you could easily replace Mike Timlin!
Alex Cora: Cora's trying to prove to Terry that he is a better choice than Jed and Julio. Who knows...he's definitely less sketchy than Julio...who's down in the Caribbean having drug dealers that stole money from him killed. Cora works a walk off the Angels newest: Arredondo. Bases Loaded with 1Out.
Ellsbury: Don't hit in to a double play. Arredondo is looking a little wild. Struck out Ellsbury. That's fine. He didn't double play. Bases loaded 2outs
Pedro: 0-6 in the series. Possible MVP choice. This is a fucked up year. We're going to elect either a Socialist black man or a moose hunting white woman in to the highest offices of the US...and a midget might get the MLB MVP. Pedro grounds out with the bases loaded. You know, this may come back to haunt the Sox. The Angels are fighting and the Sox are just trying to coast in to a win.
MVP says "Whiskey is a Vegetable. Always Eat Your Vegetables!"
Sox 5
Monkeys 3
Bottom 6:
Daisuke is out and his Japanese comrade is up. Okajima comes in. You know, I polled a bunch of asian hookers and the majority find Okajima to be more attractive than Matsuzaka. Isn't that weird? They all look the same to me!
Aybar: Grounds out to Cora, who looks really good actually. It's nice to see utility players step up when they have to and to be so consistent with it. 1out
Figgins: Faking bunts. You know what "bunt" rhymes with, Chone? That's right, punt....you cunt. He flies out to Jacoby. 2outs
Anderson: He's 0for3, but he's usually good for a hit. Here's hoping for 0for4. Ohhh what a catch by JD Drew! Holy shit! That ball was so gone! 3outs!
Sox 5
Angels 3
Top of the 7th:
Sox are putting their bats on the ball, but nothing is landing. The Sox need a couple more runs to solidify a win.
JD: Up to bat with 2outs. He's playing a great game. Beats out an infield hit. He's 2 for 4 tonight. Not too shabby, Drew! 1on 2outs.
Bay: Hooray! Here he is! Our knight in shining armor. Here to replace the dreadlocked latin lover! A clean Timothy McVeigh look-a-like! A single to right field! 2on 2out
Kotsay: Shitty pop out to right field. Stranded two more. We're playing like the Angels now.
Sox 5
Angels 3
Bottom of the Seventh: Starting to feel a little drunk. Sweet. Oki is back in. What a sexy little Japanese man.
Texieoraeja: He's 2 for 2. If I close my eyes, he's wearing a yellow shirt with doilies on the shoulder pads and he has a sombrero and a pencil thin moustache....oh and another fucking single to centerfield. This guy is consistent. Man on. Sin out-oes.
Vlad: Another 2fer. It's amazing this dude doesn't have more strike outs with his funky swing. Hard hit liner to left field. Two on. No outs. Sox make a change.
Goodbye Japan, hello Sur del Americano! Back after the switch!
Justin Masterson is in. A solid righty. He looked pretty good in his first year.
He gives up a pop out to Hunter to left and Texerfeaef moves up to 3rd. Man on 3rd and 1st. 1out
Rivera: No hits tonight and playing shitty. Fucking walked him. Are you serious? Bases Loaded 1out.
Goddamn it, Sox. Don't give this game to Angels.
Kendrick: Strikes out. Phew.
Napoli: Walks! A run is forced in. You FUCKING TOOLS! 2out Bases Loaded Sox 5 Angels 4
Masterson is flustered. I feel like a tard for saying he looked good.
Aybar: Struck out. Angels have left 11 on and trail by one. I feel our lead is a little shaky.
I have a charter group going out fishing tomorrow on my boat. I may murder them at sea if the Sox lose.
Sox 5
Angels 4
Top o' tha 8: Sox need to answer the last couple runs here. A few base hits would be nice.
Tek fags a ball to first and Cora decides that now is the time to strike out. It would be nice to see Ellsbury get on base.
Ellsbury walks. 2outs
Pitching change for the Angels. Good night, Scot (reducing his carbon footprint by removing one 't' from his first name) Shields.
Here comes K-Rod. "This guy threw at his own son a father-son game."
Pedro is the first to face him. Oh look, Ellsbury stole 2nd! Heh....and then Pedro grounds out. He's 0 for 5 on the night . No hits in the series. What a little douchebag.
Bottom of the 8th:
Chone: A fucking triple. Masterson should have been pulled. Man on 3rd.
Oh great, here comes fucking Riverdancer. The totally unpredictable one-pitch super hero.
Anderson is salivating. He knows it's a fast ball. Pops out. He got greedy. 1down Man on 3rd.
Next up Texwoertgifewosdc: He's on fire. A flamer, if you will. First pitch almost took his manhood and he spun away lithely like Michael Jackson. High fly ball to center. Chone tags and ties the game. 2outs
Sox 5
Angels 5
Guerro is back up now. 1 for 9 against Papelbon. Daisuke doesn't get a win. Pap throws another pop out. Pedro has it, but the Angels are officially off of my Christmas list. They are now on my shit list. In fact, I just shit in to a paper bag and I am working out a way to ship it to Angel Stadium and make it catch on fire upon delivery.
Tie-fucking-game.
Top of the 9: What a whirlwind of mindless typing this has been. I can really see the "enjoyment" people get out of doing it. By "enjoyment" I mean, a tedious blog entry that I will never do again unless I am forced to. Writing about a live baseball game is about as much fun as writing about Jesus.
Papi: Doubles. Too bad it couldn't get out. He's getting Coco to pinch for him. Nice hit David. Man on 2nd.
Youk: Grounds out. Fuck. 1out
No contest on the pickoff attempt at 2nd. Safe all the way.
Drew: At bat is looking bad. He's swinging like a sissy. Wait! What is this!?!! A big ass fly ball to right. It's just frigging going! Gone! AHAHAHAHAH! 2-run bomb by the anti-effusive JD Drew!
Sox 7
Bad Guy 5
Bay: This just in, radio guy announces that "Bay takes it". Bwahahahaha. And he "beats out" an infield hit! Man on 1st 1out
Kotsay: Line drive base hit to right! K-rod has given up...wait...counting....4 hits! That has to be a record...and isn't he a free agent this year? Future Yankee closer as Mariano retires? 1st and 2nd 1out
Nevermind, Tek continues to show off his .220 average and grounds in to a double play. How many more years until this shell of a hitter retires? FYI: Lex has never bought in to the whole Tek is God shit...it's as embarassing as brainwashing children to sign songs about Dear Leader Obama.
I think we all figured the dude out when it turned out he's been fucking a Sox reporter. In his defense, I'd fuck the shit out of her too. I think Rollo might go straight for a night with her too. Though he'd probably be more interested in taking her out for a coffee and a mani-pedi...typical elitist leftie prick.
Bottom of the ninth: Let's get through this using our brains. Don't throw for strikes, throw for ground balls.
Or bunts! Shit, Youk played that awesome. Hunter is fast. Good attempt, but a better fielding display. 1down
Gary Matthews Jr. - I like Jrs. such as Carls' Jrs. Jalepeno Burgers are awesome and colon distressing. Ass fire. My butthole just shivered thinking about it. Speaking of which. Matthews pops up...to Youk....he's moving out of bounds.....reaching....ahahahah! What the fuck kind of catch was that off the photographer? Hahaha. That play describes this whole series. Upsidedown backhand catch off a photographer...while Tek is getting blown by Heidi.
Tek...you dog.
Kendrick: He battles...and strikes out. Game over.
Crazy motherfucker gets the win!
Sox 7
Angels 5
The Sox are one game away from sweeping this 5-game series. Wow. I want to thank this blog for totally ruining that game for me. I've never paid attention to stats so much as I did tonight.
See?
Sox 7runs on 14hits
Angels 5runs on 11hits with 2errors
I wrote every hit down on paper.
You all suck. I'm going to prank call Cartola's dad and tell him I want to have sex with him.
Lex out.
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