An Open Letter to Obama Haters (Especially Lex)

Second in the presidential race, but first in constipation.

Poor, poor Lex. It's ok, let it all out now. Barring a terrorist attack, assassination, or the Large Hadron Collider ending the world between now and January 20, Barack Obama is going to be the next president of the United States.

Artist's rendition. Seal subject to change.

There's very little doubt now. He's up big in all the polls, even the ones that usually lean to the right, and he's still gaining. There may be the usual cusp-of-Election-Night tightening, if it's not superceded by state budget difficulties leading to cutbacks of programs that people care about, something that conservatives have a long history of being unsympathetic to, or a weakened stock market. And the McCain campaign is only making things worse for themselves, ratcheting up the negative attacks that seem to turn voters off, which makes the attacks more negative, which turns more voters off, leading to more negative attacks... love those negative feedback loops!

So the nightmare scenario is upon you. You've spent the 10 months since the Iowa caucus cultivating the hate for Obama, and now he (to the ectasy of his slobbering devotees) is going to be front and center in American life for the next four-to-eight years.

Despite my obvious disagreement with your political philosophy, and our many run-ins on policy and philosophical issues, I feel your pain. You see, my fellow liberals and I have lived out the same nightmare. Actually, our nightmare is probably more horrific than anything you can experience in the next three weeks - you won't see an apparent McCain win stripped away by butterfly ballots, senile Florida snowbirds, a corrupt state government run by Obama's brother, and a highly politicized Supreme Court... only to watch four years of incompetence and fear-mongering be rewarded with another four-year contract, one that the majority of the population regretted almost immediately.

Still, we know where you're coming from. You'll undoubtedly have the same reactions to this election that we had:

• You'll threaten to move to another country. This was easy for us - we have an allegedly socialistic paradise right next door that even speaks the same language. Finding a country that loves the free market, hates minorities, and encourages caring only about "getting yours" is going to be a bit tougher. Better start shopping for prime real estate in Estonia now before the big rush. (Michael Phelps recommends Rosetta Stone for all your language-learning needs.)
• You'll blame third party candidates. This will probably be irrational; it's not like adding Bob Barr or Lyndon Larouche's supporters to your totals will really make the difference, even in the close states. (Though this has been know to happen before.) But it's not like anyone's going to come to the defense of those wackos. Fish, barrel, BANG.

Cheney says, We must waterboard LaRouche.

• You'll sue. Sue everyone! Challenge the registration system! Find the proverbial needle in the voting haystack (and it will help if he's black, for obvious reasons) and claim that this is representative behavior. They're stealing our election! (It helps if, seven years later after all those wounds heal, you make a ridiculously one-sided movie that rips off those scars all over again. There's two hours of needless anger I'll never get back.)

And that's why I now subscribe to Showtime.

• You'll throw off your flag pins and root for bad things to happen. Recessions! Stock market plunges! The collapse of the dollar! Threats to the sanctity of capitalism! (Wait, what? Already? But I thought we arranged that for after the elec.... Damn minorities, you can't even fail correctly!)
• You'll blame yourselves for not doing all the things that would have actually made things worse. We should have gone negative sooner and with more energy! We should have tried to connect to redneck dropouts and trust fund babes! We should have chosen a running mate from a more inconsequential state! (Note: this is already starting.)

(HT: Because I Said So.)

• With what little power you retain, you'll take out your anger on swing voter blocs. College-educated single women? No more birth control coverage! Latinos? Deported! (Even if you were born here.) Coastal men? Rising sea levels!
  
• Finally, when you get to acceptance, you'll start up depressing websites where you apologize to all the people around the world that were counting on you to make the right decision. Sorry Georgia! And... uh... Cuba?.... hmmm.... really, Israel said no?.... McCain was born in Panama.... no, I think that's pretty much it.

It's not all bad news. We're at the start of a pretty devastating recession, and research indicates pretty clearly that the party in power gets blamed for economic troubles regardless of their guiding philosophy. At some point there's going to be some military intervention that's required, and it's always fun to say you were right about whatever the result happens to be, even if you weren't. And nothing rallies a base like a humiliating defeat - just look at what happened to the Dems after Carter was defeated!


Hmm. Well, Mondale's blowout loss must have made things better!


Oh. Yikes.

Regardless, it's won't be long until America tires of the Democrats. It's like clockwork - every six years or so, the whole structure is overturned for no good reason, and it doesn't really matter because both sides believe in pretty much the same things. So wait patiently, keep up the bitching and the independent counsel investigations, and you'll get your power back.

Besides, he's black. It's not like America can deal with that forever.