Man on Man Action: Get Off The Bus

I'm obviously anti-bus, because My People aren't allowed to sit in the front. But aside from Ms. Parks struggle, there's another reason to hate that particular form of transportation:

Uggos.

When I lived in Boston, I used to take the Green Line to work downtown. The Green Line is infuriatingly slow, especially in the morning, when asshole drivers take left turns immediately in front of the train, and the "next three cars" rule at traffic lights slows everything down even further. (I prefer Houston's answer to the whole "cars in the way of the light rail" thing - the train just runs over the cars.) So to pass the time, I often liked to play a game in my head: Queen of the T (the name was Keyser's idea; turns out he was playing the same game). Simple enough, you just find the most attractive woman on the train and anoint her Queen. When she gets off (heh), a new Queen is anointed. This continues until I exit the train, or until I climax.

You can't play this game on the bus. Everyone on the bus is hideous.

Now, this is not unrelated to the issue of the poors that Dr. Cartola presented. Beauty is an increasing function of wealth, as we geeks who have never touched a beautiful woman except for when paying her ten Canadian dollars per song (God bless Montreal and their liberal touching policy) like to say. You're more likely to be good looking if you're rich. Sure, there are a few recent immigrants with enchanting eyes and full Latina bosom if you can see past the unwashed hair and the feces-stained janitorial uniform, and maybe in the suburbs where the train isn't an option you'll find the occasional looker. But in general the poors who populate the buses are some combination of fat, old, handicapped, and smelly, often all four. This is especially true in Boston, where attractive women are hard to come by to begin with - thanks for sending us all the smart ugly chicks from your high schools, America!

(A brief aside: Why are rich people better looking? Obviously they can afford better hair and skin care and gym memberships and the occasional plastic surgery, but this piece at Marginal Revolution suggests that because men are shallow for good looks, and women are shallow for big wallets, a rich man will marry a beautiful woman regardless of her social status. Looks are in large part hereditary, so their children are more likely to be good looking and certainly more likely to be rich. Repeat for a few generations and you have a spoiled socialite with a puppy purse who doesn't even need the nose job you offered to buy her for her Sweet 16.)

Anyway, with my extensive experience riding public transportation in the Hub Of The Universe, here's my list of the various MBTA lines, in ascending order of average rider attractiveness.

9. The RIDE

This isn't really fair. How many hot disabled chicks have you ever met? Plus it's mostly grannies, and it takes a lot of imagination to picture them forty years younger when they had gams that wouldn't quit. Unfortunately, television has killed my imagination.

8. The Bus

The problem with the bus, besides its eco-hostility and its unpredictability, is that it tends to run through the bad neighborhoods. I'm not sure what direction the causality points, because it might be that the areas along the subway lines became better when they were connected to downtown by light rail while people moved away from the areas without subway access, leaving the subway-less areas for undesirables.

7. Orange Line

It's pretty much the bus on rails. It's only saved by the fact that you'll occasionally get the Dorchester girl with some serious booty, and I don't mind saying that I've become more of a fan of cushion-for-the-pushin' as I've gotten older.

6. Blue Line

Revere Hair alert! Only Worcester rivals Revere for bad hairstyles, but Worcester's accent isn't nearly as ugly. (Worst accent: Providence. Period.) The Blue Line is spared by the occasional airport commuter or chick heading to the beach.

5. Red Line

Upset special! Yes, you get the hot chicks who want to find husbands at Harvard and MIT that will one day be rich, but you also get too many redheaded Irish lasses, and redheadedness is such a hit-or-miss thing when it comes to being attractive.

4. Silver Line

I've only ridden it a few times, but I have a feeling that this one is going to be rising up the rankings if the waterfront area becomes the new hot area, as it appears to be.

3. Commuter Rail

There's just something about MILF's in power suits that really gets me going. Queen Of The Commuter Rail is a fine, fine game, which is good because the train from Worcester only goes like 15 mph the whole way.

2. Green Line

My old home. The most attractive women in the city go to Boston College; of course, they'll never talk to you because they're too important, but they sure are fun to look at (and my GPA in non-economics courses will attest to that fact). There's also the occasional (usually Asian) BU hottie, at least the ones who aren't 400 pounds. And the Green Line is the one that goes right through downtown, connecting the hotspots at Lansdowne Street and Fenway, the Newbury Street area, and the neighborhood around the Garden. You could do worse than to spend your Friday night riding from BC to North Station and back with your hand in your pants - of course, one trip might take you all night, but it's worth it.

1. Night Owl

Drunk chicks. Like fish in a barrel.