The Diary of Frank Ann

Well, you've lost a few pounds since New Year's. You didn't live up to your resolution to gain more weight. What's next? Wearing heavy boots and six layers of sweat pants? What do I know, I'm just a dentist, but a patient of mine left behind his own secrets to success in a little black book of dreams. He came in the other day and asked if he left anything behind, but he broke my nice green dental chair and when I checked his gumline there was bacon stuck in it so I am releasing it all to the public. I will post more of Frank Ann's diary in the future, but for now use these entries to help you in your own trials with weight gain:

Day 1: So Thin, So Depressed

My name is Frank. I only weigh 180 lbs. soaking wet. Why am I so thin?! I hate myself. Why can't I live in Africa or have a heroin habit? Well, I've had it. Fuck this, I'm eating alfredo sauce on my pasta tonight. If I can gain 2 lbs a week for two and half months, I will gain 20 pounds! I can do this world! I will fight the good fight! I feel fatter in my soul already!

Day 3: Gained 5 Pounds!

185!!! Today I ate a fucking ham lambasted in barbeque sauce on a stick. Then after breakfast I weighed in for the first time. I gained 5 pounds in three days! But I think I'm going to hit a wall soon. There's only so much weight a person can gain in a certain finite time. I just need to keep this up. Live the dream. Eat the dream.

Day 17: Kind of Down, Only Gained 15 Pounds Since I Started

Why have I reached this plateau? 195. I'm sticking to the system. I brush my teeth with milkshakes. I'm eating entire loaves of bread and drinking hard. Maybe I should switch from Bacardi and Diet Coke to PBR. Why is this so hard! I'm not stressed enough, damn it. I think I'll take up smoking.

Day 23: Dreams Can Come True

203 pounds of beefcake. I knew if I started chain smoking and eating the old donuts out of the dumpster behind Dunkins' that I'd start to meet my goals. I can be fat world! I can be a fucking lard ass!!! I have surpassed my goal of twenty pounds in record time. Fuck you Mom for saying I couldn't be as obese as you.

Day 24: No Pain, No Weight Gain

My chest hurts. I need to work through the pain. Eat. Just eat. You can do it. That rotisserie hot dog at 7-11 was just the beginning. Baby steps.

Day 32: Evacuation Routes

Why do I have to shit so much? The shit leaving my body feels so wrong. That weight just goes away forever. I feel so useless, so non-obese. I've gained 35 pounds, but I feel so empty inside.
Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. What? Shut up Mom, I'm writing my hopes and dreams! I will too weigh as much as you!!

Day 45: Moving Too Much

I realized today that if I just sit on the couch for eight more hours a day, I can rapidly gain more poundage than ever! I shall sit and be proud. My scale doesn't work anymore.