Shit, I missed the most important first inning in two games. Fucking internet. Fucking cybersex. Seriously, who asks to cyber-cuddle after I cyber-asspound you? Ugh. I cyber-snuck out when she "fell asleep" (cyber-strangled).
Red Sox 4
Angels 1
Top of the Second: Aybar, you traitor. You field like Alex Rodriguez and hit like Mark Bellhorn. Thanks for the error. You just validated Alex Cora. Imagine that? The balding utility man, Cora. You may as well just hang yourself. 1 man on.
Ellsbury -- the force-out master. He's probably the most consistent force-out hitter in the league. If I had a stat slave, I'd have her confirm that. (My stat girl would absolutely be a chick...with jugs...of stats.) Way to go Ellsbury, now steal second and point in to the dugout at Cora and call him a bald utility guy. Man on first, one out.
Pedro--you scrappy little bastard. That ball could have been out of here...if the Angels weren't playing their positions and you hit it a little farther. Man on first, two outs. (Steal second, Jacoby)
Ortiz -- Here's the pitch...big swing from Big Papi! Ground ball, three outs. Cora chumped Aybar.
Bottom of the Second: Daisuke!...I yelled loudly out the window at a woman with a stroller... I called his lackadaisickal first inning. I knew he was going to give up a run. There's something about a four run lead that makes a starting pitcher feel dominant before they even step on the mound.
This time around, the Diceman looked better. Two good strike outs--the kind that makes the batter look like a chump for even swinging--and a fly ball to JD Drew. JD, bad back (from carrying around such a huge bag of money) and all, is looking good.
Top of the third: Out hitting the Angels 5 to 3...and more men just came out and admitted they are "Gay for Bay"...including Rollo's ex-boyfriend, who also blogs. How ironic eh? A gay man coming out AGAIN for Jason Bay....By the way, he's also "Live blogging" the game, you should read his play by play for actual real baseball. I'm a one trick expletive-laden pony.
Youk: Sorry I missed you in the first. Show me something. Fly out. Dammit. 1 out
JD: Thought flow of JD Drew this at bat: "Is it a contract year? No, not yet? Fuck it, I like this team. Hmm, hey, this bat is cupped. That's odd. Are they all like that? I wonder what Sean's bat looks like. Fuck! I'm out! Stop thinking about Sean Casey's dick, JD!" Strike out 2-down
Kotsay: 3and1 ground out to Chone...that should be the past tense form of "chine", which is what a clean choad does. 3outs
Bottom of the third: The Angels have to be jinxing the shit out of themselves in the dugout. How do you just not think about losing TEN TIMES IN A ROW IN THE PLAYOFFS TO THE RED SOX and YOU ARE LOSING AGAIN...someone put a uniform on the Rally Monkey and get him out there.
Chone, massaging his taint.
My boy, Chine: Stole 34bases and three cars this year. Fly out. 1 down.
Garret Anderson: I like this guy. Good player. Normal name. Ground out. That's my boy. 2 gone.
Teixeira: One of many strange Mexican-ish names. Base hit. Slapped faggily to center field. Man on first, 1 out.
Guerrero: If anarchy played baseball, it would bat like Vlad. Base hit to center field. You see? The Angels are repeating the first inning for me since I missed it. Nice guys. Now stop it. Honestly...how did Vlad just hit that pitch?
*Ugh, who gave the thunder sticks back to the fans? Californians are so fucking annoying...and it shows in their stupid toys. I heard a rumor that they use those things because their hands are so soft from never working a fucking day in their lives.
Toriiiiiiiii Hunter: Ohhh, a shitty groundball and a close play. He's out! Oh my god! In a typical Hunter freak out, he started to argue the call before he stopped running....knee twisted! The Blame whitey racist has some Godly smiting. I hope you tore your ACL and can't play for two years...in fact, I hope the only way they can fix you is if they cut out your tongue and use it for a replacement muscle. Shit, you're ok. Fuck you. 3outs.
Red Sox 4
Angels 1
Top of the Fourth: Toriiiiiiiiiiiii is gimping around in the outfield. Awww.
Kotsay: Fly out. Blah. C'mon Mark, make me write something snarky. 1out
Tek: Ground Out. That was quick. 2down
Cora: A double to center right! Should have been a single, but the Cartola look-alike takes second! Man on second, 2down
Ellsbury: Holy shit....a double over the head of Rivera! Nice play, dude! Cora scores.
Sox 5
Angels 1
Pedro: 0 for 3 now. Ground out to Choad. 3 out.
Well, the Sox added another on. Let's see if Daisuke stays in the groove.
Bottom of the 4th: Here we go!
Rivera: Let's see if he sucks at batting as much as he sucks in the field, eh? An infamous Daisuke walk. Free pass. Man on first.
Howie Kendrick: Strikeout. This is good. I like Matsuzaka strike outs. 1on 1out
Mathis: Chops a shot to left field. Bay coming on...and he realizes he can't catch with his shoulder! Man on 1st, man on 2nd. 1out
Ayiaaaiaiabar!: A double play is in his reach. Can he pull it off? Let's wait and see! Damn. Ground out to Kotsay at first. Runners advance. Men on 2nd and 3rd with 2 outs.
Friggins: Strike out like a man, man.
*Interlude* I love it when announcers tell us that so-and-so "takes it". That always makes me chuckle.
Back to Chone: Hanging in there. Three balls and two strikes. The ultimate duel. A base hit to left field. Chone responds to the Red Sox one run top. Men on 1st and 3rd with two outs.
Red Sox 5
Angels 2
Daisuke, nothing is on your hat. You just got Punk'd by Garret Anderson. Hah!
Anderson: Two quick strikes. Don't tease our Asians, please. They get all sorts of crazy. A long drawn out at bat. Lots of time outs. High fly to Bay in foul territory...slid too late. Still batting. Chone doesn't seem to be too interested in second base. Garret gets back in the box. He looks a little aprehensive. He's unsure of the next pitch...Struck him out! 3 down
Red Sox 5
Angels 2
Top of five: I'm going to make myself another vodka drink. I'm running out of catchy baseball terms and I feel sober.
Ok, here's a recap of that sucky 5th inning. The Sox did nothing. Papi struck out after a long at bad with some bat drama and then Youk and Drew flew out. The bottom of the fifth started out pretty shaky. Daisuke looks determined to walk 8 people in this inning if he can. It's weird to see Vlad not swing...he swings at everything. That is a barometer for Dice's game.
Back again. I'm starting to feel loose. Profanity is only four keys away. I like it. Daisuke looks like shit. He's allowed men to advance to 2nd and 1st and a run has already scored. He's thrown 100 pitches. It's the 5th inning, dude! Learn how to throw a fucking strike!
Matsuzaka is lucky that Rivera sucks ass and swung at that breaking ball. 1out.
Sox 5
Fags 3
Kendrick: He flies to center and Vlad moves up to third. Guerro is a tough looking motherfucker. I would love to see him on the East Coast in Boston. 2out Men on 1st and 3rd.
Daisuke to 105.
Ahhh, an "offensive substitution"...the Angels make a pretty odd choice of swapping out their catcher. Why the hell do you do that? Morales isn't THAT good. Hmm.
Morales: Looking like a strike out and a catching replacement. High pop. Fly out. One run only. Holy crap on a cracker.
Sox 5
Fags 3
Top of the Sixth!!! (I'm exclaiming everything I type like a Barack Obama supporter! Ahhh! Ahh! Mavericks!):
The Sox look very solid, but Daisuke just barely avoided an absolute implosion. What's crazy is that as shitty as he has looked at some points of the season, he holds the Sox record for Away wins without a loss in a season, going 9-0. At home he was 9-3. Maybe that 50million dollar "phone call" is affecting how we think this guy should pitch. Hell, in my mind, 50million should only be given to a man that can throw a pitch using only his mind and/or dominate an Umpire's mind with ESP to make him call contentious strikes.
Bay: A quick fly out. Somewhere a straight man just defended his manhood for declaring his love for Bay. 1out
Kotsay: Ohhh you just made Hunter look like a dick! Misplay...probably still thinking about his out at first and gimpy knee. Get this: This is Hunter's first error of the season! Sweet! 1 on.
Tek: 0 for 2. I think Tek's good for 1 for 3. Bam! I rule! Sally drive to left. Varitek skips to first with a gay smile on his rosy face. Men on 1st and 2nd. 1out
Pitching change...nice game, Ervin. 5 1/3 innings, 8 hits, 5 runs, 5ERs, 3SOs, 1HR, 8.44ERA. Hey, with an ERA like that, you could easily replace Mike Timlin!
Alex Cora: Cora's trying to prove to Terry that he is a better choice than Jed and Julio. Who knows...he's definitely less sketchy than Julio...who's down in the Caribbean having drug dealers that stole money from him killed. Cora works a walk off the Angels newest: Arredondo. Bases Loaded with 1Out.
Ellsbury: Don't hit in to a double play. Arredondo is looking a little wild. Struck out Ellsbury. That's fine. He didn't double play. Bases loaded 2outs
Pedro: 0-6 in the series. Possible MVP choice. This is a fucked up year. We're going to elect either a Socialist black man or a moose hunting white woman in to the highest offices of the US...and a midget might get the MLB MVP. Pedro grounds out with the bases loaded. You know, this may come back to haunt the Sox. The Angels are fighting and the Sox are just trying to coast in to a win.
MVP says "Whiskey is a Vegetable. Always Eat Your Vegetables!"
Sox 5
Monkeys 3
Bottom 6:
Daisuke is out and his Japanese comrade is up. Okajima comes in. You know, I polled a bunch of asian hookers and the majority find Okajima to be more attractive than Matsuzaka. Isn't that weird? They all look the same to me!
Aybar: Grounds out to Cora, who looks really good actually. It's nice to see utility players step up when they have to and to be so consistent with it. 1out
Figgins: Faking bunts. You know what "bunt" rhymes with, Chone? That's right, punt....you cunt. He flies out to Jacoby. 2outs
Anderson: He's 0for3, but he's usually good for a hit. Here's hoping for 0for4. Ohhh what a catch by JD Drew! Holy shit! That ball was so gone! 3outs!
Sox 5
Angels 3
Top of the 7th:
Sox are putting their bats on the ball, but nothing is landing. The Sox need a couple more runs to solidify a win.
JD: Up to bat with 2outs. He's playing a great game. Beats out an infield hit. He's 2 for 4 tonight. Not too shabby, Drew! 1on 2outs.
Bay: Hooray! Here he is! Our knight in shining armor. Here to replace the dreadlocked latin lover! A clean Timothy McVeigh look-a-like! A single to right field! 2on 2out
Kotsay: Shitty pop out to right field. Stranded two more. We're playing like the Angels now.
Sox 5
Angels 3
Bottom of the Seventh: Starting to feel a little drunk. Sweet. Oki is back in. What a sexy little Japanese man.
Texieoraeja: He's 2 for 2. If I close my eyes, he's wearing a yellow shirt with doilies on the shoulder pads and he has a sombrero and a pencil thin moustache....oh and another fucking single to centerfield. This guy is consistent. Man on. Sin out-oes.
Vlad: Another 2fer. It's amazing this dude doesn't have more strike outs with his funky swing. Hard hit liner to left field. Two on. No outs. Sox make a change.
Goodbye Japan, hello Sur del Americano! Back after the switch!
Justin Masterson is in. A solid righty. He looked pretty good in his first year.
He gives up a pop out to Hunter to left and Texerfeaef moves up to 3rd. Man on 3rd and 1st. 1out
Rivera: No hits tonight and playing shitty. Fucking walked him. Are you serious? Bases Loaded 1out.
Goddamn it, Sox. Don't give this game to Angels.
Kendrick: Strikes out. Phew.
Napoli: Walks! A run is forced in. You FUCKING TOOLS! 2out Bases Loaded Sox 5 Angels 4
Masterson is flustered. I feel like a tard for saying he looked good.
Aybar: Struck out. Angels have left 11 on and trail by one. I feel our lead is a little shaky.
I have a charter group going out fishing tomorrow on my boat. I may murder them at sea if the Sox lose.
Sox 5
Angels 4
Top o' tha 8: Sox need to answer the last couple runs here. A few base hits would be nice.
Tek fags a ball to first and Cora decides that now is the time to strike out. It would be nice to see Ellsbury get on base.
Ellsbury walks. 2outs
Pitching change for the Angels. Good night, Scot (reducing his carbon footprint by removing one 't' from his first name) Shields.
Here comes K-Rod. "This guy threw at his own son a father-son game."
Pedro is the first to face him. Oh look, Ellsbury stole 2nd! Heh....and then Pedro grounds out. He's 0 for 5 on the night . No hits in the series. What a little douchebag.
Bottom of the 8th:
Chone: A fucking triple. Masterson should have been pulled. Man on 3rd.
Oh great, here comes fucking Riverdancer. The totally unpredictable one-pitch super hero.
Anderson is salivating. He knows it's a fast ball. Pops out. He got greedy. 1down Man on 3rd.
Next up Texwoertgifewosdc: He's on fire. A flamer, if you will. First pitch almost took his manhood and he spun away lithely like Michael Jackson. High fly ball to center. Chone tags and ties the game. 2outs
Sox 5
Angels 5
Guerro is back up now. 1 for 9 against Papelbon. Daisuke doesn't get a win. Pap throws another pop out. Pedro has it, but the Angels are officially off of my Christmas list. They are now on my shit list. In fact, I just shit in to a paper bag and I am working out a way to ship it to Angel Stadium and make it catch on fire upon delivery.
Tie-fucking-game.
Top of the 9: What a whirlwind of mindless typing this has been. I can really see the "enjoyment" people get out of doing it. By "enjoyment" I mean, a tedious blog entry that I will never do again unless I am forced to. Writing about a live baseball game is about as much fun as writing about Jesus.
Papi: Doubles. Too bad it couldn't get out. He's getting Coco to pinch for him. Nice hit David. Man on 2nd.
Youk: Grounds out. Fuck. 1out
No contest on the pickoff attempt at 2nd. Safe all the way.
Drew: At bat is looking bad. He's swinging like a sissy. Wait! What is this!?!! A big ass fly ball to right. It's just frigging going! Gone! AHAHAHAHAH! 2-run bomb by the anti-effusive JD Drew!
Sox 7
Bad Guy 5
Bay: This just in, radio guy announces that "Bay takes it". Bwahahahaha. And he "beats out" an infield hit! Man on 1st 1out
Kotsay: Line drive base hit to right! K-rod has given up...wait...counting....4 hits! That has to be a record...and isn't he a free agent this year? Future Yankee closer as Mariano retires? 1st and 2nd 1out
Nevermind, Tek continues to show off his .220 average and grounds in to a double play. How many more years until this shell of a hitter retires? FYI: Lex has never bought in to the whole Tek is God shit...it's as embarassing as brainwashing children to sign songs about Dear Leader Obama.
I think we all figured the dude out when it turned out he's been fucking a Sox reporter. In his defense, I'd fuck the shit out of her too. I think Rollo might go straight for a night with her too. Though he'd probably be more interested in taking her out for a coffee and a mani-pedi...typical elitist leftie prick.
Bottom of the ninth: Let's get through this using our brains. Don't throw for strikes, throw for ground balls.
Or bunts! Shit, Youk played that awesome. Hunter is fast. Good attempt, but a better fielding display. 1down
Gary Matthews Jr. - I like Jrs. such as Carls' Jrs. Jalepeno Burgers are awesome and colon distressing. Ass fire. My butthole just shivered thinking about it. Speaking of which. Matthews pops up...to Youk....he's moving out of bounds.....reaching....ahahahah! What the fuck kind of catch was that off the photographer? Hahaha. That play describes this whole series. Upsidedown backhand catch off a photographer...while Tek is getting blown by Heidi.
Tek...you dog.
Kendrick: He battles...and strikes out. Game over.
Crazy motherfucker gets the win!
Sox 7
Angels 5
The Sox are one game away from sweeping this 5-game series. Wow. I want to thank this blog for totally ruining that game for me. I've never paid attention to stats so much as I did tonight.
See?
Sox 7runs on 14hits
Angels 5runs on 11hits with 2errors
I wrote every hit down on paper.
You all suck. I'm going to prank call Cartola's dad and tell him I want to have sex with him.
Lex out.
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